OK so it's time to do a little soul-cleansing confession. I was watching Intervention the other day, and we were all laughing about how much of a sissy this guy on there was, and the way he let his girlfriend walk all over him.
I confess, while I wasn't quite that bad, I was dangerously close at one point with Lindsay.
When we were together, I was at a dangerously low point in regard to my own self-worth. There were a lot of contributing factors to why I was so low down and depressed, but suffice to say that's how it was. In her defense, she wasn't much better off, and she still has a terrible self-image based solely on the perceptions of others. Strange how the same lessons effect different people in such varying ways. But back to me being a big pussy.
I was so desperate for approval from a woman that I let her treat me in ways that I'd never allow one of my friends to get away with. If one of my friends put themselves through the shit I did, I'd feel obligated to try and drag them out of it, but there I sat, allowing myself to be browbeaten and trampled on by a woman who wasn't worth the time and effort I put in, and wouldn't do anything to step out of her way to meet me part of the way. I've been away from her for almost four years now, and I still let it eat at me sometimes. The lessons I learned from her are way too painful for me to give them away easily.
The first of my huge mistakes with her was in giving in to her pressure to isolate myself from my friends and family. She set herself up to become what my world revolved around, and I foolishly let her do it. She was never happy when I had other people in my life, and was intensely jealous of even my relationship with my parents. We were "together" for what added up to about three years (strung out along five years) and she never once met my parents, or even had a desire to, and I eventually stopped even trying.
The second mistake I made was not setting any boundaries on what I was willing to put up with. She got away with everything, and I put up with it because I thought I was in love, and thought I'd do anything for her. Every time I would try and assert anything, she would get upset and it would usually end with us breaking up for a few months. The thing that made me the most crazy of all was the fact that she always had to be right, even when she was quite clearly wrong. She confused me not caring enough to fight about a subject, such as who originally performed a song, with her being right, no matter what the evidence was. When I'd prove her wrong, she'd get sulky and throw a fit.
The third and biggest mistake I made was being too trusting. I never suspected her motives in anything, because I never thought of doing things behind her back, I thought she'd show me the same courtesy. In the end, this last mistake tore the scales from my eyes and brought me back to my senses, but it had to be done in the most painful manner possible for me to believe it.
Story Time! The day that things ended between her and I for good was after she had lied to me about going to a concert. She told me that her friend Shay had gotten tickets to the Beastie Boys and invited her. Right there should have been a warning sign since she didn't like them, but she told me hey the ticket was free, and I shrugged and let it go. It was a Friday, and I was home alone playing video games, which was fine by me, and around midnight, her dogs started going absolutely NUTS. I go upstairs to see what all the commotion is, and I see Lindsay's Explorer in the driveway, and in the passenger seat is some guy that I don't know. After a minute of heart-rending horror, I see Lindsay's head reappear, coming up from his lap area. Then she wipes her mouth and starts making out with him. I was absolutely numb. I went back to the basement, and started talking to Corey on AIM, and fortunately, he has the sense to know that I don't need to be around there right then, and he comes by and picks me up. Even the loud exhaust on Corey's Mustang didn't phase them, and as I was walking past her head disappeared again. It took everything that I had in me not to open the door to the truck and start swinging, but I knew right then that I could never touch her again, so what would be the point? I wouldn't feel any better afterwards, plus I'd have an assault on my record. I moved out the next day, never saying a word to her as she watched me moving things out. She asked me one time, in a very surly way "Where the hell are you going?" but I never answered. I never spoke to her again. She would email me from time to time asking what was wrong and why I left and what did she ever do to me, but I've never responded. I can't talk to her and be civil, there's too much pain, hatred, and rage.
After that incident, I spent about a day or so crying and reflecting, and pieces started falling into place. I realized how many other times she had done something suspicious and it all started clicking in my head. I won't go into how many times I'd let myself be played for a fool, but suffice to say it was more than just the once above and it will never happen again. I've become a little hyper-sensitive on the subject and now I'll bolt at the first hint of anything close to that. In the end, it all worked to make me stronger, but the cost was almost too high.
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